(I never hit Post on this one, it is from last week when the weather fucked me up)

I just hopped off my walking pad, because if it were not hard enough to stay positive right now, there is this miserable constant mist today and it felt a little too heavy to run in. Perhaps tomorrow. I’m not particularly eager to write about things no one wants to read about, but I go back to why I started this and recall it was meant for me and may benefit others as a bonus. It was meant to pull me out of a rut, bring me back to life, unblock parts of myself that had been stuck, and pull the good back in. So, Brad, Sarah, and people who prefer to go numb or in denial, suck it up because this is mine, and it feels so fucking good to discover yet another thing that cannot be taken from me.

Don’t worry, if you know me in person, you know I don’t stay “negative” long. Soon I will see a frisky squirrel running around and take off running with it either in my mind or perhaps physically and in heels while you watch and wonder both how and why the fuck you are friends with me. By the time I get back and my face is lit up with a smile that screams pure joy for life, you will remember your reason(s). That extra “s” is all about the possibilities. I believe in them, pray for them, wish them for others, and try to be them for my sons, myself, and any living or non-living thing on this planet. We all deserve possibilities. However, if I come back from my squirrel chase and you can’t recall any reasons at all, I will return to my squirrel chase and enjoy it without you. It is just how I am. There is no need to be upset with me. I’m still wishing for all possibilities for you, it is only my visible energy being spent on the little frisky feller, there is so much more going on inside of me, yes, even and maybe especially for you. 

As I sit here and type, my oldest dog stands next to my legs, licking one of them and staring at me with big sad eyes. I have my legs crossed and the one holding the other up rests on my tippytoes. I like to do calf raises and then roll my ankle in circles to help with blood flow and supposedly restless leg syndrome. I rub my feet together at night, squeeze them firmly, sometimes wear compression socks, and often walk the house to promote a state of mind my feet consider conducive to resting. One desperate night a few months ago I looked up tricks to help. I read something about these stretches you can do to help and have been trying them out. To maximize my time while writing, I multitask. OK, that’s more or less total bullshit. I also have ADHD (self-diagnosed and confirmed by those who love me) and this is likely more or less the reason I cannot sit still and have to be doing, saying, and thinking way too many things for most. Who does not have time to roll their ankles before bed and therefore has to do it while writing? No one. No one or people who fake being busy. Ew. 

I am neither of those things. Which is what brings me back to being honest about how I am doing and feeling. I am not the best right now, I am also not my worst. If you see me, I will be laughing, smiling, hugging you, lifting you up, figuring things out, and enjoying your company. This does not mean, I am not going through it, worried, stressed, anxiety-filled, and questioning everything. I am recharging, I am creating new energy with you. I am putting good into the world, into your world, into our lives, because I am aware most of us need it right now. We all are going through something. Speaking of which, my dog is going through it right now because I have not shaved my legs in a few days and I think that is why his eyes are sad. Maybe they are not sad and he is wincing at the taste? Whatever, it is not like I asked him to lick it. You get what you get, Brad. Well, actually, no, not you. But my dog does and now you see where you stand. Go sit. 

I certainly hope yall see your possibilities. I hope you are fighting for them. I hope you are making the tough decisions and choices to find what it is you want, what you want for others, for your family, for your children, for your future. What you want and need to make your life feel whole and joyful. Where you belong in order to succeed in your journey and be surrounded by support that encourages you to continue growing. The place in your life you reach where you have a standard for respect and will never allow less than and only require more. A handful of people who watch you chase that squirrel never questioning why they love you but rather admiring you because you do. Maybe one or two who join you with ridiculous laughter and another who always takes you to where the squirrels are.

I hope for each of you that what you are going through is with the intent to get to where you radiate life. So much life your dog can grin and bear it as he licks your legs because he tastes it in the salt on your legs you keep moving in order to stay lifted, thankful, and alive. Tangible proof that a little bad weather and the mountain you are taking on even when it feels fucking impossible is in fact helping in the process of making you human, desired, loved, and lickable. Keep living it, keep changing, keep growing, keep fighting, keep loving, keep your worth and your dreams, keep your hope, and give it all back to others with your words, hugs, smiles, and hairy salty legs (if you’re me). This is life and it looks so different for each of us, but inside we all need, want, and hurt the same. I am going to check on my dog’s tongue now.