…I had cracked the car window to listen like a real pro. I had never been in this situation before, yet everything came so naturally to me. Just about as natural as it was to get myself into some stupid fucking situation to begin with. But not to worry, remember oxygen, sunshine, music, and food man back in Texas was on standby. So “my” dude is talking real quietly and I hear the cop say “The only thing I am concerned with is why you have a woman in your car at all!” And I was like damnnnnn daddy, what did you do, and then damnnnnnn Britt, what the fuck did you miss?! The cop came back and asked me for “my” dude’s phone. We could not find it, so I called it and we found it under the driver’s seat. I handed it over to the cop as I explained I was from out of state, knew him through a mutual friend for many years, and was in a bit of shock, but did not want the cop to judge me. Believe me, I was already being brutal with my own self-judgements. He asked me if I had been drinking. I said it was the only way to tolerate anyone that night. He asked if I would be willing to blow, I said man, what is it with y’all dudes up here? Kidding. I said well I am certain I will not pass to drive, but are you going to arrest me if it is too high? I have never been in trouble and hate being in trouble believe it or not so I found myself completely naive to how it worked. I wanted to see the damage I did so I blew. The results popped up and together we chuckled, he gave me a blanket and told me I could wait in the car until the tow truck arrived. I asked him to send someone to sit with me as we were in the middle of a mountain pass at 1 AM. He did not send someone. I guess we had not become as good of friends as I thought our shared chuckle had indicated. Fuck that chuckle. I did not mean it anyway. I faked it. Just kidding, it was real. Eh, maybe it was not. I was in the middle of a traumatic experience. “Phone a friend” was about to be vital. So I phoned Steady Eddy who loves that we both need oxygen to breathe and solidified our love being true and undying because where would we be without sunshine? Well, there was none in Colorado at the time and I can tell you, it is no place I ever want to be again. 

What I am about to say next sounds very dumb because it was very dumb. But I did it. So fuck off and get over it. I called the wife since I had her number from the text with the photo where I discovered everyone had been doing blow all night. She did not answer. I guess her husband was rubbing his foot on her while she was making vegan sausage. Whatever. I called her over and over and over again. At this point, there was no pride left in me. I just wanted to get home and all I could hear was Steady Eddy screaming the lyrics “Come back to Texas, it’s just not the same since you went away…” and I was like righttttttt?! The wife looked like Cher by the way. I shit you not. So while I may not look like Adele, it was a celebrity kind of night. Cher finally called me back and I told her what was going on. She sent one of the guys to come and get me. I wanted none of the guys, but I had no choice, Cher had vegan meat to finish. The cop was not willing to sit with me or take me to the fucking resort an hour away and so there I was. Nervously laughing and telling the Lord, “I knowwwwwwwwwwww. I am so sorry.” Britt, you really did it this time. When the dude showed up, Cher’s husband hopped out of the passenger side to come and rescue me. No. Fucking. Way. I texted Steady Eddy what was happening and turned on my location for him to track/follow. It was a very silent ride. We pulled up to the resort in the Denali like we were ready to check in and party, Cher’s husband who looked like Michael Keaton with long bleached hair followed behind me with the other dude and I went straight to the front desk and asked for a piece of paper. I wrote that I needed an escort to the room to get my things and for her not to say anything. She turned her head sideways at me like, “You ain’t the escort?!” Ma’am. I know. She quickly followed suit and went with me. She told the guys to wait in the hallway and when we went into the room she lodged a chair under the door handle. Sister came through! She had been through some shit too apparently! Now we were on the same page and grooving and I was like well hell I guess I could stay and enjoy a solo vacation. I told her what was going on, that Steady Eddy was sending transport for me to the airport, that he was also calling to have my flight changed for me, and that I needed a second to gather my things and breathe. She helped me and we bonded. Like “my” dude apparently was thinking we were going to as well. For as we gathered his things to give to Michael Keaton with long bleached hair and my knight in shining Denali armor, we opened a bag and discovered a plethora of bondage items and a shit ton of thankfulness that my bratty ass did not tell him there was a cop and that Steady Eddy loves breathing so much with me that I would live to see the sunshine in Texas again. 

I did not spend a night with this man. Thank God. The little time we had in the room I was locked in the bathroom, and I took a nap fully dressed in the empty bathtub. I will nap anywhere and under any circumstance. This man was not going to ruin this for me. But I was not going to take my chances sleeping in the bed and him having access to me while I was dead to the world. While in person I did not meet his expectations, he too did not meet mine. He seemed so incredibly entitled. Women were property that his money could afford and seemingly he believed he did not have to ask permission to use/treat/talk to as he pleased. I was repulsed. But there is this part of me that does not want to offend or upset anyone. A part of me who thinks if I play it cool, it will be safer than upsetting the person, especially if it is a man. So here I was sitting in the lobby of a resort in the middle of the mountains waiting for an airport shuttle to pick me up at 5 AM because of this part of me. The lady and I handed the super duo “my” dudes things, she commented something about him having some plans, and they looked at me and Cher’s husband, Mr. Keaton said, “Well what were you expecting he was flying you up here for?” And in that moment, a lightbulb in me turned on that should have been on years before, and I will never turn it off. In fact, I keep extra bulbs. I hopped on the shuttle, made my way through the airport, got back to Texas, told Steady Eddy thank you from the bottom of my heart, and was very clear with him I needed a fucking break from men and their expectations. I am still in that mindset all these years later, so thank you for the space. I told you that lightbulb was permanent, just like being told I looked like Adele at the height of her weight, and mine. So now, I like to work out and feel my bones and muscles, and only mine. Although wrapping my arms around someone’s neck and body to perform a body slam like the cop did would be pretty fucking epic. So I walk around mentally body slamming fuckheads all the time. If you or someone you know is a fuckhead, you have likely been mentally body slammed by Bird Britt, and then mentally slapped across the face with vegan breakfast sausage, as if the fact that it exists to begin with is not insulting enough. Although you probably never knew it, because “that part of me” won again, and so I smiled at you and said something nice instead. I never heard from the man again. Not once, no apology, no explanation, nothing. Steady Eddy is still out there finding compatibility in women solely for being human and saving those of us who at times think we are more. I am thankful to be humbled and alive, and I still cannot believe I met so many celebrity lookalikes in one fucking night.