Oh man, where to start today. So many emotions. This morning was mostly just sadness. Heavy emotions. Piles of thoughts and feelings with no clear direction. I always rinse my face with cold water in the morning and reapply eye cream and moisturizer and go grab my coffee. It is really nice when the weather is cooler here because the water runs so much colder as well. I need all the help I can get to wake my face up. It does not do much for my mind and body, for that takes time and laughter. The laughter did not feel like coming today. I have those days. I think sometimes it is what I watched before I fell asleep, what I dreamt about as a result, and then the first thought that carried into my waking moment that puts me in this mood. But ultimately it all comes down to what is in my heart and on my mind. So I had my coffee, without lizard water (I think. I haven’t checked the reservoir for a while. Actually, I have never checked this one.) and with coconut creamer. Anything flavored coconut, sign me up. I used to use this coconut scented body butter religiously. It was not over the top by any means, Trader Joes makes it if that gives you any idea. But apparently it was enough that my co-worker, turned one of my best friends, said I smelled like a stripper when I would walk past. He does not know this, but I stopped using it that day. So I had my coffee that smelled like a stripper, I had all three of my dogs (who still owe me money) following me around, and I went back to my vanity in the bathroom and started applying some tinted moisturizer to my face. Yes, another layer of moisturizer…you know my feelings on drinking water. Ew. I pulled out a lipgloss my mom gave to me without any fucking warning of the chili oil lip plumping effect that I only discovered last night when I put it on and my lips turned bright red and swelled way more than the product certainly intended. I held it up, spanked it and with my Fire Marshall Bill face and voice, I said “you are naughty” and then placed it back in my drawer with all of my other lipglosses. I am a lipgloss addict. Almost all are certainly of the same pink/sheer tint…I cannot help to buy them anyway. When I die and someone is going through my things I imagine them asking what the actual fuck would someone need that many lipglosses in nearly the same shade for. I am bummed I won’t be here in my “Take A Hike” shirt while I try them on for them and explain why. You know what, new request, when I go, I want them all strapped to me, even/especially the naughty one I spanked this morning. So coffee, makeup begins, spanking commences, and then I felt this cranking up in my brain and I was like oh fuckkk, here we gooo. I would not call it sadness I guess, more or less just really thinking about things seriously. Again, the fucking holidays. I would like to just hibernate and if it were an option any more than (I act and demonstrate) it is now, I would take my blanket, my sons (if they were down to nap),  all three of my dogs and lead the way to our cave/den/bedroom. I saw a funny video of this bear, a really terrible looking bear that came out of its little human made den yawning, disheveled white hair with patches flying off as he shook himself off and awake…the bear looked rough and its movements were equally matched…the caption read something along the lines of someone saying they were just going to take a quick nap and then waking 4 hours later. I received this too many times for it not to be solid proof I am a master of the nap-a-roni. I did some Amazon returns today and as I walked away, the young man with furry hands who really warmed up to me quickly shouted across the room that he hoped I had a wonderful nap today. I love him and his tiny furry hands, which clearly were a sign of this bear-nap-hibernation theory I have. He can work at Home Depot by my standards.

My day took a turn for the better. Like I said, time and laughter. I always try and find the upside in err thing. I really don’t care how terrible it is, I will go through all of the emotions of course and depending on what it is, the length for each varies as does the intensity. But the upside will be found, cherished, and embraced when all is said and done. My upside yesterday was not found but rather gifted to me in the form of having a friendship where they do not just allow me to crack jokes and move on. It is also one that offers a safe place where I can just open up and no subject is off limits and it is not seen as selfish or threatening to have a discussion to help me. I write and speak differently depending on who I am dealing with. Not in a fake pleasing way, but in a custom love kind of way. Every relationship is different to me, everyone is different, I love everyone differently just like all of my pink lipglosses. Some people just ain't pink though. I do like a good neutral lip and every now and then a bold red. I ventured outside of these walls to get a few things, take care of some, and also grab lunch with my boys. I purchased a peppermint clear lip oil in a roller form (sucker for these nostalgic little guys too). It was not a seasonal thing, nor did it inflate my lips to the size of a swollen asshole like the naughty one I want strapped to me when I die. But it did feel good to put on and the scent lifted my mood. Things were looking good. Every person we encountered was so helpful and kind to me and my sons. We had Chip with us. I think he helps me in the way of not short circuiting in stores. I pet that dog so fucking hard his eyes bulge and the skin pulls back to reveal his teeth…welcome to the family, little buddyyyyyyyy. But people genuinely love him, he makes people smile, and he is so damn small that people aren’t afraid to approach him. My mom and I recently started wearing the same perfume, she likes to share all kinds of fun things with me, suggestions on what to use, and where to buy. Most of the time she just buys it and sends it to me. I love this part of our adult relationship. We did not share this when I was a girl, so it is healing for both of us. The sneak attack move with the chili lip oil was flat out bullshit though. She must be getting me back for not making “German” chicken and dumplings. What the hell is that anyway? She was all twisted up that night, because I have made them for her many times before and never once was a country mentioned. So we share this perfume and naturally, it smells so much different on her than it does on me due to our body chemistry. I was holding Chip under my arm against my side (his ride or die position) and she was trying to locate the scent on me and I said well maybe smell my hair and pointed to the ends of my right side which Chip was pressed up against as he loves to use my chest as his pillow (who doesn’t like a good chest pillow?). My moms face got very interesting and I leaned down to smell my hair as well because her face scared me. Both of us had our heads down near the dog just taking in huge sniffs and the dog was just letting em rip. Chipper The Ripper. He is so tiny we were unaware it was happening, but when I realized, I said thats his ass, not my hair! She always tries to encourage me to be more gentle with her and others in the sense of…you don't have to say it that way, and sometimes you don't have to say it at all. She is not the only one with this mission. So she will take it easy on me…I think this is the “leading by example” method. Let me say this, she is not angelic either, now that I think about it, I think she knows we will rip each other to shreds if one of us is not making effort and taking the lead. So she told me, oh good, I was worried you got the Brussels sprouts in your hair or something when you were eating. I mean, thats not that far fetched but to contemplate that while smelling what we were smelling and to not instead just say holy fucking shit, Britt, you smell like ass! I was impressed by her control, and also with Chipper The Ripper’s abilities for such a small dog. Sometimes it does not take much to impress me, just ask the young man with the little fury hands. 

Later in the evening Avery and I got into a wrestling match which involved him kicking me in the shin and me screaming and then punching him in the chest. We started swatting at one another but we were laughing so damn hard we could hardly lift our arms and ended up just wrapping our arms around each other and hugging while we recovered. You know the feeling? I get so weak when I play fight and start to laugh. My sons share this trait with me and when we get to shenanigans like this, we all damn near just go into slow-mo fighting with silent laughter, open mouths, wide eyes, and tears just running down our faces. We also almost always take it too far. Years back I was cooking and they would not stop fucking with me. I loved it and we were playing and so to get it under control before it went too far I told Avery jokingly that if he did not stop I was going to karate kick his tooth out. It was a loose and stubborn one we had been working on pulling. He came back and did it again because he is my son, and I pivoted my body, slowly lifted my leg, and rapidly extended it. My form and precision was on point. So on point I actually made contact with his mouth and kicked his tooth out. It went flying and the three of us instantly dropped to the floor in laughter. Dinner was still on the stove and we just sat there with the cracked tiles, blood and missing tooth and we just laughed in disbelief and joy. These memories are the best. The love and the insanity. The pure laughter. Always finding the upside in one another. The boys are no longer allowed to take food upstairs and they like to eat pb&j’s before bed…after dinner. Yes, I am that mom. The kids now do the elf on the shelf for one another, they’ll pick out the others favorite snacks at the grocery store and make scavenger hunts with sticky notes all throughout the house. When they find it, they look at each other, smile and give this incredible twin embracing hug! I always ask in a funny kinda baby talk voice if I am their twin too or tell them I want one, they tell me we are triplets. DUH, best friends, bro. So since one of them cannot see what the elves got into this time, they cannot come downstairs to eat the pb&j. And yes, I said “elves”, because I said no to one and so my mom bought them two (and she wonders why I did not make my dumplings German for her). Seven years later, and The Paddington’s (husband and wife elf) look worse than me for it all. We have put them through some serious shit and now that the boys have taken over, all bets are off. Tonight Otis made the sandwiches for him and Avery, he put them on cute little plates and took them to the stairs. I had just gotten out of the shower and heard them and so I rushed to dress because I knew I was missing out on something. I peaked around my bedroom door and my face lit up because thats usually what happens when I see them and I walked over to the staircase and joined them. The dogs also got out of bed and peaked out the bedroom door and joined us. It was 11:00 PM, we were all huddled together about half way up the stairs and I just watched them eat and we talked about chugging a bottle of water while in the shower and peeing at the same time, we laughed, they made the dogs heads nod yes and no by moving the sandwich around after I asked them questions about their dog lives and then we kissed and hugged and went to our bedrooms. I hope they know what these moments mean to me, that I take them with me everywhere and that fighting through the inevitable tough shit in life and the feeling of being lost we come across from time to time are all worth it just to get to these upsides on the kitchen floor and on the stairs together. Imagine how excited I am that next year we may be able to move this shit into the den we will start hibernating in.