What a fucking whirlwind. When I tell you I am terrible at working on the website and also lack an eye for website design, I am being kind to myself. It is incredibly discouraging, but also somewhat hilarious to suck so much at something and still not quit. It is a part of how I credit myself, deduct what needs to be, and find balance in who I am. For instance, some days I get a lot of things done, and others I “only” accomplish drinking a lot of water. I cannot succeed at everything every day, Brad. The days I drink water I am the most proud of. However, today we got through school and I remembered to check in on some friends I had not messaged in a bit. I also drank four bottles of water, bathed all three dogs, and cleaned out both of my inboxes (rather deleted almost 15,000 emails without looking through them, and said fuck it, if there were some weird chance it was not spam and I had the email accounts of a real grown-up…the real person will try to get ahold of me another way). The dog bath scene was something straight out of a struggling mom in a Disney movie. Thankfully I had enough water in my body to pull me through-or whatever the fuck it is supposed to help with. The kiddos helped, they each have “their dog” and are that dog’s “boy” so they are responsible for a few things when it comes to the pups…baths included. Chip was bathed in the kitchen sink as it is beautiful, dark, deep, and the water comes out like rain. I imagined such a harmonious little spa moment for him as the last times I bathed him in the bathroom sink and called it good like he was some filthy rat instead of the magical beefcake he has blossomed into. But no, the spa idea did not help it was fucking terrible. I have scratches all down my arm and a little fear in me of this tiny anti-bath soldier. His little legs kept going down the drain and everything inside of me prayed the garbage disposal would not magically turn on by itself and chop his legs into pieces. Thanks, Final Destination. Eli and Yote we bathed outside…this is always a real treat for my back and for the neighbors to listen to. Yote’s back got it too. He tried to get away after I sprayed him down and put soap all over. He squirmed a little and slipped away so I grabbed him and he went up on his hind legs and flew into the air landing on his back on the concrete. You could hear his dog nails scraping the concrete, the boys laughing together, and then the wet thud of our little Yote followed by me saying “What the actual fuckkkkk” and the boys sympathetic “Oh my goshhhhh, Yote, are you ok?” The moment commenced with their nervous laughter I gifted them with, sooo lucky. The entire time this was happening Yote had soap suds floating all around him and Chip was jumping up into the air with his muscular buns just eating the bubbles, sometimes they just popped on his nose as he crossed his beady little eyes and licked them. Hmm, what song did I hear during this slow-mo…” It’s A Sunshine Day” by The Brady Bunch…that song has lived rent-free in my head since The Brady Bunch Movie came out back in ’95. The dogs fucking hated me for a short amount of time afterward. They all put great effort into their moments of just looking at me like I was the biggest asshole in the world. Sometimes just peeking around my laptop screen, leaning to the side and one big ass eye glaring at me like, “Hey. Just want you to know you can go fuck yourself” and then they would rest their perfect little head on my leg and sleep it off. As I always say, I have been told much worse for doing much worse. I can handle a lot, but not the smell of your asses any longer. 

Wow! Look at the length of that paragraph! I am working on being more concise. As my best friend would put it, “you’ve never been succinct lol” at least she put the “lol.” And at least she loves this about me. To be honest, I don’t want to work on it too much, kinda like my cussing. I have other priorities like…drinking water and dusting my blinds. But it would be nice to be a little more direct and not just when I am mad. I can be blunt, and direct,  and sum it up real quick if I am purely mad. Upset, disappointed, etc. not so much. Too many feelings and thoughts involved for me to just say it simply. There are a few people in my life I should be more succinct with. Look, you suck, I don’t like you because you are a terrible person, you are mean to others, only care about yourself, and so, goodbye! But even then I think too much about how I can help out or worry if I say something too harsh (lord knows I can) what will happen. I like to try and always see my part in something and where I need to take responsibility, even if I do not always share with a particular person what that part is. Lately, I think, nope, fuck you, we are all adults here and you have got to take ownership as well. Sometimes there are those people you cannot even share your part with because then that is all they focus on and use it against you and it puts them even further behind. See, that is how I end up thinking for hours about nothing. Like if I am honest with you, it just sets you back, if I am not honest with you, it does the same. That is what I am working on not thinking about, cut me slack I suck at this too and this is a hard debit from my balance system. Our server complimented my eyebrows a couple of weeks back. I got stuck on how I just said thank you instead of giving her the information on how I take care of them, and fill them in, etc. and my friend pointed out I had bigger things to worry about and to let it go. I mean, I see how this is so simple in someone else’s way of being, likely most people. But for me, it is not. I hate things feeling off or not authentic. This lady took the time to lift me for a moment with a compliment and I just said “Thank you.” But really…who cares? Me, damnit. I care. I noticed my new hairdresser who is my age had cheeks that looked so much younger and fuller and higher. As she spent 5 hours on my hair I studied her face. I noticed how she placed her blush higher up and recalled a lady at Sephora a couple of years back who emphatically told me, “Please, please, please put this up higher and remember to work it upwards.” Now I realize what she was suggestively telling me…”Your face is hollow and your cheeks are saggy, to not look like you do, put this up higher since where it once was placed is now an inch lower and droopy and not an option. You are welcome.” But did I listen? No. A couple of years later and 5 hours staring at my new trustworthy hairdresser’s face…I left a woman on a. mission. I went home and washed my face, reapplied my blush at the corner of my eyes,  and worked it to the back of my head. I am pleased to say, that I now look young enough not to require the water they suggest for my age. Supple, succinct, summarize, simplify, surgery, ssssomeone lift my face. That got ssssslippery.

Speaking of summarizing. Let me summarize the highlights worthy of a jaw drop over the last couple of weeks. Save your judgment, Sarah. I had drinks (4) over 5 hours (and a shit ton of the best cold noodles) with friends to which I proceeded to react abnormally to (I have my suspicions on this) and I ended up throwing up said tasty noodles as I entered my home. In the toilet? No silly, no time for that…Otis finally got even with Avery and threw a book down the stairs and hit him in the head. I am not proud, but balance is important, and 12-year-old twin boys struggle with this. Eli attacked Chip and I screamed louder and longer than Chip did as it was taking place on my lap. Eli knocked a large tooth loose and I played dog dentist for a week until Eli attacked Chip again and it fell out during the brawl. Full circle moment for that tooth and I have never been so thankful for the madness. Chip has his surgery to be neutered tomorrow so hopefully things will settle down for good now. These dogs have given me a run for my money and I am exhausted. A house full of men, even my animals. A friend, once told me I could never handle having another female in the house and he was not wrong. I remember when I found out I was having twins and I thought oh my gosh it could be two girls. I was staring at the cutest little watermelon print bathing suit for little girls and had this weird rollercoaster moment of I cannot wait to pick out their clothes and then oh my gosh, no fucking way will I be able to raise a girl. I was all grit and tomboy growing up. I got “girly” much later in life. I still am not afraid of hard work, getting dirty, or competition. I will still kick a boy’s ass just to flirt, but now I am going to expect him to still treat me like a delicate woman after I do. The night we got cold noodles (I like to say I only borrowed them since I gave them back-ish…) anyway, that night we were all in the Uber, and we were talking about overthinking things. One of the ladies is like me and the other laughs because she relates as well, although not to the extreme. Anyway, we started talking and a movie title was mentioned to explain people who think the way we do and how it helps things about the world and how it works. It made me smile because when people get it, they get it, and also to know that my friends love me to my core for the way I am, whether they get it or not, and I do the same for them in return. They tell me like it is, and I love that, but they also know me and my lack of ability to do x, y, and z, as well as what I can do and should do and what I do-do (always makes me laugh). Today Otis was taking a math test and he asked me to help and I wrote on his paper with a very serious face “*POOP*” he only shook his head and we got back to school. I felt like I got slapped on the wrist with the “you must be so proud of yourself” look. But my sons also know this about me and support it. Avery ran to the bank with me on Friday…yes I still write checks and pay bills this way. I like pen and paper and pressing the button to send the tube back to the teller. Although, most of the time I pull Bossy up and let the kids climb over and do it all. I make them write the check with me too. SOME THINGS YOU SHOULD ALWAYS KNOW HOW TO DO, like throwing up in a toilet. So we pull out and there is this oak tree sitting in the middle of the road, dividing the traffic and I said “You think that tree is so incredibly disappointed to find out all these years later it was going to end up being in the middle of pavement with a bunch of idiots who cannot drive zooming past it?” Avery smiled as if he was thinking, “damn, probably.” At least that is what I told myself and I said, “But it is kinda cool someone wanted to save that fucking tree, huh? And they did.” And we laughed and drove off while he smiled at me in a way I will cherish forever. The last few weeks have been very complex and difficult, stressful and uncertain, but I also have had so many incredible moments of love, support, and acceptance. Even when I was wearing a skin-tight blue dress, barefoot, and spewing puke on everyone with blush too low on my cheeks.