I am well past the point of trying to impress other people, actually, I am not so sure of how close I ever even got to that point at any time in my life. I can be thoroughly unimpressive on the majority of days, an incredibly insensitive woman on others, but now and then, you will catch me on a shining day or at least in a shining moment. I said every now and then, don’t hold your breath. I referred to myself as “old and grumpy” the other day and was quickly silenced with the correction “radiant and charming…hilarious, honest, and blunt”. Jesus checked me today and had a man tell me, “I’ve met plenty of women like you.” Wrongo. I mean. I don’t wanna call Jesus a liar, but he did put nonsense in that man’s mouth. And I “put” my full cup of coffee on the parking lot asphalt to mark the day Jesus fibbed <insert shining moment sigh>. I didn’t want caffeine, I wanted a fucking nap, and that was the God’s honest truth. 

Y’all know it’s December, y’all know I get incredibly down during this time of year, and y’all know I thank you for all of the kind check-ins and respect of the space I require. It is clockwork. God made me a certain way, and I roll with it. I need room to breathe, time to rest, rooms of silence, privacy to cry, dogs to hug, people who bring light and joy into my world, and right now a really good hot shower with an indestructible razor…oh, and a new pair of pjs to slip into after, my leg hair put little tears in all my others. Or at least that’s my excuse to buy some new ones. It is a solid comfort for me. I am a child at best. Fuck, I guess someone should probably shave my legs for me and brush my wet hair until I fall asleep. But first, I need to have a heart-to-heart with Jesús (Spanish pronunciation).

Often, I have discussed how when I know, I know. When I know I like a song, it’s usually a few seconds in. A new dish takes a bite. Clothes take one glance. People are no different. I never taught myself how to get along with people I don’t like. I just let them be and go on my way. Unless I absolutely have to interact with them, and then I am just boring (out loud), bitchy (out loud), and silent. You can be silent around me, pass by my table, and not even notice I exist, yet there is an instant energetic recognition for me that I cannot deny; the world starts echoing “ew”. Without question, I am the person who can sit, dig deep, and talk to find something we have in common, but sometimes, I genuinely have no desire or need. Why would I take twenty bites of some new dish to try and get myself on board with it? Someone else will order the damn thing, someone else is craving it today, someone else wrote a raving review about it. It’ll be fine. I’ll be fine. Just like when I was told “you are absolutely fucking insane”, I was fine, I kept eating my cracker, it tasted the same, and I did not blink twice. Partially because I was too tired to and likely would not have been able to open my eyes again, but mostly because the cracker gave me more life and will to stay awake. Sustenance. Truth and Sustenance. Jesus (English pronunciation) ain’t bending truth. This time he be spitting it. 

I need sustenance in people. If I am at a basketball game and I hear you telling one of the players afterward how you loved when they were passing the ball back and forth, bouncing the ball, and taking shots…I can’t. I can’t even pretend you’re a person I could dig deep with. I won’t. I do want to give myself a little credit here for having taught myself how to sometimes catch the sarcasm that can cripple someone right before it comes out of my mouth. However, I have not mastered the “fix yo face” part of the process nor the deep laugh that comes out. Y’all know the one. It’s undeniable. It’s pure “fuck you, thank you, and what the fuck” all at once. I am shocked, waiting for you to say “just kidding”, but appreciative of the laugh and reminder that on my worst fucking day, I am crushing it and showing up authentically. 

The door for people is always-ish open, but it is going to take something really special about you to not shut it if you’re saying “Fri-Yay” in your puffy sleeved shirt, and talking about basketball like you are a fucking bozo. Otherwise, I will be an intentionally oblivious fuck head until it becomes effortless. By then, you will either crave me or hate me, and to me it won’t make a difference. Life is too short to entertain bullshit, finish a shitty bottle of wine, or exchange false pleasantries. And we are all someone’s type of bullshit. I am certain I am plenty of peoples, and the shit head in me eats it up. The “live and let live” in me wishes you w(h)ell. Sometimes I replace that “w” with an “h”, it just depends on whether you rub my quills the right way, and if you really know me, you know it’s my nose that requires proper rubbing and petting. This is where I settle on, I’d better just close the damn door. 

I say there is no in between with me, but I guess there is potential. For instance, I recently pondered if every time I thought of someone shitty and/or had to interact with them, and I said something nice in my head about them instead of something (honest but) mean, I may feel better. I almost always assume I am the shittiest person in any interaction or exchange, and so it is pretty easy for me to say “they are not as shitty as me, amen.” And that is both nice and positive. As I said, God made me a certain way, and I am just here rolling with it. Old, grumpy, seasonally depressed, “radiant, charming, hilarious, honest, wicked smart, witty, and absolutely fucking insane.” But never just like plenty of other women, of that I am certain. Shout out to Jesús (definitely the Spanish pronunciation) for breaking the mold, y’all should thank him too. Could you imagine? Starbucks ain’t got time to sweep up a bunch of tantrum “put” coffee cups out of the parking lot from a woman who refuses purely out of a brat-filled principle to order them in anything other than “small, medium, or large” (English pronunciation backed by Jesús).