Feeling uncomfortable is not my favorite thing. Not a lot of things can make me feel this way. I am currently very uncomfortable. And to reiterate, feeling uncomfortable makes me uncomfortable. Growth. That is what is happening. I am changing. I am spring cleaning my mind in the fall. This Open Journal is getting me to purge and think and feel myself…“when I think about you, I touch myself.” Also, I am having the day after drinking blues. That heavy feeling. Friday literally kicked it off when we went to dinner for a friends birthday and I made my way to the bathroom and I accidentally kicked a chair so hard it pushed it under the table. I apologized profusely to the couple at the table (while leaning on said chair), looked down and saw a toddler sleeping in the chair I just kicked so loud that everyone turned and looked. The loudddddd chair where you're like pick the fucking chair up, dude. But in this case, it was don't kick the fucking chair with the kid in it, dude…the horror on my face when I noticed the kid. The laughter and forgiveness the couple gave me. I mean anyone who has a sleeping toddler in a restaurant for dinner is cool in my books, so I should have expected nothing less. And if you are wondering how I managed to kick that chair that hard, one, I never sit on a public toilet so I have thighs from years of squatting and two, remember my memory is a little more fun than most. I had a sleepover with my girlfriends the following evening. We all met up at a house in sweats on a rainy, cold night and did what we wanted and left so much more to do next time. But I did get drinky, and I had fun. I laughed a lot. And I talked too much. I was honestly afraid of writing today because of the things that weigh heavy on my mind. But…I suppose that is exactly what this is about. The real moments. Not all the funny in life. The real shit. The human error, mistakes, and the suffering that happens to fall amongst all the beautiful things too. But something funny is happening. I realize more about myself in person after it comes to life in my writing. It makes me pause after I say something out loud. I mentioned holding myself accountable and learning how to navigate this as I go along, and holy moly is that truer than I ever imagined. It is something pretty interesting to experience though. I have never thought I have it all figured out, although I have been accused of this. I am learning in everything I do, and feel I know the least amongst most people I encounter in a lot of ways. I speak confidently, I ask questions, and I am always taking note. I feel people often get confused when you speak for yourself and with confidence. Like if I say “the brown fox jumped the fence.” That motherfucker may not have been brown to you, and he may have crawled. I am just saying that when I saw him, he was brown and he was jumping. I am open to seeing your fox, but let me have mine. This does not mean I think I know everything. It just means, I can only speak to what I know, what I saw, what I have learned. I can ask a lot of questions, but I try and be cognizant that not everyone will want to answer them and that most people are not anywhere as open as I am about life in general, but especially in things most humans are curious about in particular. The juicy stuff clearly no one has the answer to. So I don't ask and I share instead to kind of create that space and take the lead. It does not mean I don't want to know more of you or don't crave to learn more from you, it just means I don't know if you want to be that person for me and I am trying to show you, I am totally willingly to be that for you regardless. The people I spent my weekend with were the perfect people to surround myself with during this time. They are all loving, honest, and know things about me others would take joy in shredding apart. These people root for me, and I root for them. However, I don't think they kick toddlers in chairs…or chairs with unbeknownst sleeping toddlers in them, but they forgive me when I do, and they probably do and it just goes unnoticed because they don't have public toilet squatting thighs. What can I say…

<INSERT THREE DAY BREAK>

And I am back. So there is this cleaning out in my head, a shedding if you will, and it has got me feeling really funky. I feel like I struggle in conversation right now and I also know I communicate so much better in writing. My walls are gone when I write. The connection between my brain and fingertips is much more direct and strong than the one between my brain and mouth. Take that for what you will. They both are strong, but I know the difference. I am still feeling heavy-ish and now just with a lingering cold/flu kicking my ass and crippling my fingers from being able to write. So basically pure torture for me and likely some of you as this is bound to be a long one following the break. Did you know that I cannot type as fast as I think? I can type pretty damn fast, but my mind is not to be challenged. So as I go along, I make a lot of errors and try to pin all of my thoughts down by throwing darts in my mind as they begin to scatter. You will not escape me! Some of my thoughts take a few darts and eventually I just give them priority because they are relentless in wanting to come to life or to die. And that is much like I see life. Come to life or die. We are going to do the latter anyway. I want to come to life before I die. And I am trying to. And there are a lot of people who cannot stand this about me. To say I don't give a fuck would be…accurate. In a lot of ways. In some ways, not so much. I am a considerate person, but there are some hard fast lines to be drawn. One being attempting parenting from mostly absent parents. People who once thought they would be able to mold you into the adult they thought best fit their liking and are now disappointed as they awaken again to the reality that this bird makes her own flight and they ain't on it no mo. And funny enough, I am not speaking of my own parents. Funny, but not funny at all. Speaking of funny. I have a thought trying to escape and it is so stupid, but look, it needs to be released. When I was interviewing for my first job, I had an interview for some weird ass little business, I honestly cannot even recall what it was, but I can recall how the interview went. To sum it up, the dude asked me how fast I could type and I said, “Pretty fast, I mean, I am not a chicken pecker or anything…” He did not laugh. I did not want him to because it was not my intent. I was still trying to figure out one, what the business was, and two, how would you say that you don't peck like a chicken with your fingers without saying “chicken pecker.” Also, to be fair, there was truth in the statement in general so I am not so sure what the problem was. I did not get the job. I drove to my boyfriends home to tell his father and he grabbed a Miller Lite out of the garage refrigerator, cracked it open, and just lit up and said, well, don't expect that one and laughed so hard. I really appreciated someone being there for me who knew my character and all of its flaws. And soon after I learned there were actual measurements to be given when asked how fast you can type…WPM. What the fuck ever. The interviewer was a weird chicken pecker and I still have no clue how fast I can type in an office setting appropriate answer or what the business did. I live less than half a mile from this place now and it still makes me laugh when I see it. Ok, now that I have freed that thought, back to the other. A particular someone messaged me this week warning me insults were to follow and then basically said, I am no different than I ever was other than I don't cuss. Dude…you texting the right fucking person?! I don't know who told you I was different, but I do know I worked on not using cuss words when speaking or texting with you because you told me it made you uncomfortable and felt hostile when in reality if I don't cuss when talking to you, I probably do not like you at all. To “ensure” I did not get my turn with insults they finished the conversation with “out.” I spit my tea and my fever spiked from laughing. Laughter is the best medicine and I wish an apple a day was all it took to keep this person away. But perhaps a burrito would, one of the flying variety. Out.

There was a time in my life when I was surrounded by people who I would never associate myself with now as a mentally “developed” adult (just let me fucking have that one). And it becomes more clear to me when I look around at who I have in my life now. These people back then were fine people, and some would say people to look up to…just not my kind of people. People who did not understand me then, and certainly do not understand me now. My entire life has led me down a path that resulted in my sons. Therefore, I have no regrets about any of my choices, because have you met my sons?! I would endure anything to get to them again and again. l obviously have met my sons (Im so foggy headed I did not know how else to make that make sense) and they are incredible! Better than I will ever be, and that means I am doing my job. To leave the world better than I found it. I have so much more to do for myself though. Contributions I want to make that have to do solely with myself and what I embody, not what came out of this body. Because those two young men are going to shine in their own light, they already are. I feel this pull and need to shine in my own right now. I have been feeling it for most of my life, and to be fair, as a friend put it to me recently, I hold myself back. I do struggle with self doubt at times, I do say negative things to myself, and I also hold myself back from doing things I want to do because I consider what others want and need more and sometimes where I am ready to go in life does not make sense to others. I WANT TO FLY. And honestly that scares the shit out of me when push comes to shove so I look for an excuse to just get cozy and coast along. One time this man who really loved me, truly loved me, the kind of love I could not accept told me “Britt, you are one decision away from being a millionaire.” I know that sounds stupid...and I should also make note, I am not a fan of money or talking about money or setting goals surrounding that, nor defining it as success. However, I knew what he meant due to the context. He believed in me. He saw me. And I use to tend to push those people away the most and listened to the ones who did not believe in me instead. Especially men, I never wanted to do or not do something/become or not become something because of a man. I think like one most of the time, but I did not want one to think for me. I think it is easier to get up after failing when everyone around you wanted you to fail or expected nothing more from you. Which yeah, sure, I suppose made me a little bit of a loser, and that came from a lot of emotional abuse which I allowed because I thought I could love stronger than the pain inside of the abuser(s).  I learned to get inspired and take energy from people who talk down to me, like I do not want to be around it, and I know it is unhealthy and bullshit, but there is/was an upside as always. I feel like I store it all up in this compartment that is going to pile so high that I will reach my goals and say to them…"So anyways..." because that is all I will say. I will have heard enough by then. I don't want the approval of these people, I never did, but they do keep me honest with myself, they make me check myself and build my character stronger because when you know and face your critics, you always know where to improve. And the fact that I have spent most of my adult life strategically surrounding myself with people who love me and get me, help heal me, challenge me, and are honest with me has provided the most opportune moment for me to finally fucking fly. Just to circle back, because I noticed half a thought was left under a dart in my brain…majority of us have to make money, and I would love to be able to give my sons, friends, family and those in need so much of what they all deserve. So yeah, I will talk about money when it is not uncomfortable, when it is important, and I also would never let it get in between me and my sons or keep me from being a good parent or absent from their lives. That is why my goals are truly undefined. My goal is to jump from my nest, to fly, to circle back and peck the fuck out of anyone messing with my sons while they are in it (and truth be told when they are not) because that mockingbird taught me well, and to come to life and feel it before death comes for me. I have no clue what that looks like on paper, but I already feel and understand it in my fingertips, just dont ask me to explain it with my mouth.