Two words emerged at the end of last year: “Certain” and “Surrender.” I am certain I have not written in a long time because I surrendered to life happening and being as involved, present, and joyous about being alive as possible. I have not opened up entirely to what has been taking place. It is a sensitive subject, and this is a place where you will only hear my side of the story. And when a relationship ends, there are two. 

I was kissing my old man Eli today. When I get close to him, I sometimes tickle him (for the sake of being irritating) by slowly allowing my lips to touch his whiskers softly before I go in for the kill. He breathes out with a little guttural groan, stretches his paws, and cuts his eyes so the white surrounding his lemur golden irises stand out in all their bloodshot glory. He is old. He is my soulmate. This is why I have the privilege of fucking with him and knowing he loves it just as much as he hates it. 

So, I was leaning over, tickling his face, he was trying hard to remind himself how much he loves me all while processing what the actual fuck is wrong with me and giving a dog grin that revealed he answered his question. His face started to change, and all the blood was rushing to my head as I stood above him and held a one-leg bend long enough to get my fix. I pulled back when my brain caught up and informed me his face indicated a sneeze was in the making. I wanted to see those crazy ojos bulge because that was the sweet reward of a successful whisker tickle. I had won. 

All four legs went straight, his ears flopped as they shot up, and landed at a new tilted angle. And then, a flying ant came shooting out one of his nostrils. My jaw dropped. Homeboy had just been walking around snorting ants and cool with the fact that he had one with wings just chilling up there? I looked shocked. He looked relieved. I felt like mailing him an invoice for the service would have been acceptable. Then, as I took the time to gather the lifeless ant and move it to a safe place (Yes, yes, yes…I kept it. Calm down.), it registered that Eli lives at my address and I would be paying the bill for him. It saved me a check (yes, I still use checks). This one was on the house, sir. You are welcome. 

House. Home. New address. Dead flying ant on my coaster next to my laptop. When I walk past it, it makes me smile. I will always be amazed at the details life/God/the universe takes care of for us without us even knowing. I certainly could look at it and say something like, it is pretty simple Britt. The dog was outside, dogs do weird things, an ant got in the dog’s nose, and he sneezed it out. The end. I said I “could” not that I would, because I won’t. Hi. I like to think of every step that took place for that moment to come to be. For my dogs’ eyes to bulge, my face to flush and feel heavy, and for there to be a dead flying ant lying there like its entire purpose was fulfilled. That is certainly something I am aiming for: fulfillment, purpose, etc. This little moment reminded me of that, and now the cold dead body of the ant continues to. Are ants always cold? Squirrel. 

While I never had some annoying woman with crazy hair leaning over me insisting to be thrilled by tickling my whiskers with her mouth, I had my own shove of sorts to dislodge the flying ant stuck in my nose. Or maybe I was the flying ant in my ex’s. As I said, two sides to every story, and both of us were losing our potential by lying in the dark and cold walls of each other’s nostrils. I am glad we are both out. I am glad we both are living. I am thankful we can still see the good in one another. And I know without question that life/God/the universe is to thank for taking care of the details. I guess I can go bury this flying ant now. It has been a month.