Oh, hi again. Man, what a fucking couple of weeks it has been. Lots of good, and some extreme sadness. I celebrated my birthday for a couple of weeks and can confidently say, it was my best birthday yet, and I tragically lost someone I loved very much. Lately, I have been paying attention to the way I am around certain people, things I don’t like about myself that come out in certain situations, things that don’t come out, who I become when I feel uncomfortable, ways I entirely shut down when communication becomes unnatural and a confrontation seems to be lurking around every fucking word that leaves my mouth. I have honed in on this part of me that I work on no longer allowing to be cultivated by eliminating situations, people, and environments that do just this. I cannot say I was exactly aware of this aspect of the changes I have made in my life or the changes that have taken place inside of me. However, after evaluating how I respond to people in situations I do not normally have to interact with or in, I discovered “exactly” what it is. How I handle myself, the things that come out of my mouth, my loss of patience, and my willingness to argue to no end are absolutely a part of who I am. The part of me I do not enjoy and spent many years ignoring rather than acknowledging my surroundings when this part of me comes to life. However, as years went by, I started to seek peace and safety in a multitude of ways without ever really accurately determining what it was in my life I deemed to be the opposite, nor what I was trying to avoid by doing so. It all came full circle for me in the past couple of weeks.

I used to gravitate towards people who caused turmoil inside me, chaos, and uncertainty because it felt safe as in I never feared losing them, and therefore I never worried about being hurt. They were not necessarily intending to do so, nor did they represent turmoil, chaos, or uncertainty themselves. But our interactions and how we got along absolutely created these feelings, likely for them as well. I am sorry for this. I of course still do not wish to be hurt and I crave safety, but more importantly, I do not wish to trade in liking who I am and feeling turmoil/chaos/uncertainty in exchange for this. I have realized there are people in this world who create the space for both to exist in truth and not at the cost of the other. Accepting the parts of myself I don’t like is not easy. Honestly, it sucks. I started paying attention to how I felt after certain conversations and what it would look like to watch and hear me if I were a spectator, ew. It has always been easy for me to say that I am chameleon-like, but this becomes less and less true the older I get. Sure I can offer pleasantries on a surface level and take a high interest in people from all walks of life. Still, the caliber of the person determines the level I can go to with someone, how much I can tolerate, and what I am willing to sacrifice in the measurement of time…I like to go deep with people, I don’t want to have to tolerate anyone, nor do I want anyone to have to tolerate me, and time is way too fucking short to be knowingly spending it on people who you don’t even like yourself when you are around. “Birds of a feather flock together.” You are damn right, as they should. We all deserve this. 

I always thought my flock was supposed to be a man. Yup, one singular man was supposed to be the one to make everything fall into place for me. Fairytale bullshit. To be fair, in general, I have much healing to do when it comes to men. I have never been dishonest about my experiences with them, my exchanges and behaviors, and my issues stemming from a very difficult relationship with my own father. Buzzword opportunity, “Daddy Issues.”  As a result, I never saw that my flock started with me, that it would be my girlfriends, and include my sons who believe in me more than anyone. They truly were the first people to catapult me into self-love, healing, growing, evolving, and unconditional love.  Recently I told a friend to put down the self-help books and start taking action. It is really interesting when I offer advice and my soul instantly slaps me into reality and says “Girl, are you fucking kidding me? You need to take some action too.” It has always been easy for me to see the light for other people, a path to heal and be better, and to hold their hand down whichever path they choose. I do not offer this same grace and kindness to myself. At least not in the past, in the past it was near obsolete. I am showing up for myself a little more these days. I believe in myself a lot more and I take the advice I give and apply it to myself as well. I don’t have to get angry, I don’t have to hold on, I don’t have to believe the story someone else wrote for me, WRITE YOUR OWN. That little golden nugget came from a dear friend of mine while on a walk and I expressed the one thing that has been said to me that I took to heart, believed was the truth, and was my true destiny. Insane that yet again such a simple concept I had heard and offered many times before took me so long to actually hear for myself! WRITE YOUR OWN FUCKING STORY, BRITT. Be your own fucking bird and look at the flock you have, listen to them, stop repeating like a parrot, and fly right for yourself rather than expecting a Prince Bird to fly in and solve it all. Besides, I would be so sad to be swooped away from my little cottage with all my little animals, don’t fuck with Snow White, she has a good thing going on. 

I am showing up for myself, I am believing in myself, I am investing in myself, and I am cheering for myself, but…I am surrounded by my fucking flock who is doing the same and always pulls me back into formation when the parrot in me comes out and I start repeating some made-up narrative. I am no parrot, nor are they, we do not have to repeat our mistakes or the things and words that have held us back. My flock thinks I am fucking great, “peachy” if you will (and I think the world of them), and that is what makes me want to be better. Listening to the people who believe in me, reality check the fuck out of me when I need it, know the worst things about me, and still love me. When people think less of me I start to give them exactly that, less of me. I give them what they see in me and I spend the rest of me somewhere else. Investing in others who don’t need me to be anything more to believe in me, respect me, love me, and help me down this fucking journey I am on. My little soul journey, in my little soul self, doing my little soul thing. They believe in me the way I believe in them, limitlessly. I am not going to live my life doing things, becoming things, or withholding things for anyone to deem me worthy of unconditional love, support, and respect. No one should, we all deserve this slice of life. I have that for myself, and my flock is full of it.

We fly together squawking nothing but truth, goodness, and love for one another. We also talk a lot of shit…I am sure there is some kind of spiritual consequence for this. Nonetheless, we are a fucking flock and there is nothing I won’t be there for them for, and I know the same can be said in return. When people see you for who you are and it is better than you see yourself, when they love you the way you are, just the way you showed up, you give them more than you ever thought was inside of you to give because they are telling you it is possible, and it becomes so. That is the energy I want more of and to give more of! Everyone has a flock, we need to stop flocking off and flock on. I want to spend my time becoming the good others see in me, not wallowing or trying to prove I am not the bad others hold onto when I have released it. All that said, I am still acknowledging, I don’t know everything, I just know where I am personally right now, I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea, I may be coffee, and I will still kick your ass if need be…me and my fucking flock (we are namaste-ish). My wings are not clipped, as I said in my first entry, I am ready to fly.